COLLEGE
July 12, 2026⠀⠀ 02:13
i'm not really excited for college
REASON WHY: i was only looking forward to uni because of NUMBER ONE my passion for education and NUMBER TWO the idea of a rocking social life. but number one i am in psych (which i regret but the courses i actually am passionate about apparently suck here so i'm stuck here unless i decide to take the risk or if i move out of this shithole NU,MBER TWO. i value friendships and connections and everything but this year idk something about the first day just irked me like i hate new people
i'm naturally really reserved and different (it's true) so when i want to make friends i have to actively put myself out there except that by doing that i always become someone i'm not because the "person that puts herself out there" in the way that will be socially accredited is literally the opposite of who i am. not to mention no shade like literally none but my friends were way too enthusiastic about "Starting over" and forging this grand college social life which i get but being around people that remind me of who i used to be (chasing some social ideal ) is DRAINING sometimes . i was talking to a friend and he was dogging on people who are too nonchalant during the first day but honestly that's me i dont wanna gaf! i hate new people i hate having to worry about whether or not i'll be racially profiled, whether or not i'll be comfortable enough, whether or not i'll be pretty enough whether or not i'll be smart enough IDFK social scenes LIKE THESE keyword LIKE THESE feel like WAR ZONESSSS all of my friends made new connections that day (first day orientation) meanwhile i was fighting the cold, sleep, already tired of the people in there, and BEGGING to be let out.c i hate being antisocial and like i do love making friends but overly pursuing NEW friendships is what always leads to me caring TOO MUCH about hierarchy or social cues or whatever (which i am bad at btw) and disvaluing the friends i already have/ idk. im jsut gonna stick to friends that i already have. if new friends come along the way then that'll be cool! i like people! i jsut don't like PURSUING people
something else i wanna type about is how people around me get into drama so often. i highkey have short term memory loss (whichi need to work on) and i don't truly gaf about other peoples lives so i;m always forgetting drama and gossip like 90% of the time it will go through one ear and out the other. which is why every single time i hear about the AUDACITY people have i get so shocked like how the fuck do u get into TS wha t are you even DOING but i mean maybe im just pretty lifeless. or not really but socially. i mean not really i have friends and circles adn people i talk to but i don't exist in the social market, you know? it' s like being off the shelf but still being involved with products on the shelf. so like i DO have a social life but i am just not out there enough to be getting into shit i guess? that's obviously A GOOD THING and says something good about my character but at the same time what if it's just because i'm not doing enough! orrr NO lol NO AHSHDVHFwkgedwgeqged ef why do i gaf STOP i keep to myself which is soemthing i WANT why tf do i want to have more drama in my life those arfe literally TWO DIFFERENT THINGS i am a victim of capitalism when you really think about it. market value and social value is stupid why do i fucking care ( because i am a victim of it
also this school is too fucking woke for its own good you can't bring in single use plastics but still sell single use plastics on campus (not even for drug or bomb concerns or anythng, just eco concerns which is stupid when u sell single use plastics in ur canteen anyways) and THERE ARE NO TRASH CANS IN YOUR STALLS. THIS HAS TO BE SEXIST WHAT THE FUCK DO U WANT ME TO DO WHEN I'm on my periodddddd imagine having to grip your BLOODY FUCKING PAD and a SHIT TON (or shit filled) of tissue and exit the stall in front of other girls and have to throw your trash out in front of them instead of in the stall like NORMAL BATHROOMS HAVE IT
i graduated
June 2, 2026⠀⠀ 23:04
i don't really care that i graduated as much as the next person does
may was such a good month i rly hope june goes as well! but it probably won't
had my last few days of HS (uneventful), got helix piercings, went to birthday celebrations two days in a row (both were depressing), had an overnight stay at a hotel with my friends (FUN), a 3 day school retreat (atmospheric but otherwise uneventful and a painful for reasons i might go into), prom (i looked kind of nice but otherwise uneventful), graduation (actually whatever), 3 day trip to eden with friends (SO FUN), and got $620 as a grad gift from relatives?? T0T
i've been getting into marxism and radical feminism and i have been radicalized into seeing how capitalism and the patriarchy tie into everything and im done typing forf now bye
a while
April 3, 2026⠀⠀ 00:04
it's been a while since i wrote anything on here, for better or worse... my back hurts as i'm writing this
i've been trying to achieve higher levels of being lately but i'm rly still just an insecure bitch. it's easy for my psyche to calm down when there are no threats or causes for insecurity around me, but the moment they come back, i go back to embodying the pain i have in my lower back :) is it really development or is it just compromise?
i killed three mosquitoes within the span of 24 hours. i HATE these motherfuckers they CANNOT serve any good for the ecosystem asides from being fucking predatory and "pollenating flowers" which BEES can do AND DO better . what ever happened to indonesia or was it singapore? breeding those anti-reproduction male mosquitoes? can we bring them back? can we make mosquitoes go extinct? because mother nature and all that is big and holy, i promise you that the good that comes from these fuckers' extinction will certainly outweigh any bad
reason on why i am in a shitty mood today, fuck my humanity: i am CHOPPED. OH MY GOODNESS! i went to a party yesterday and looked great but my looks weren't the only things that ate down BECAUSE I DID TOO. I ATE SOOO MUCH and everything did taste good and i objectively did not eat THAT much but i ate so much sugar and bad oils :) i was at 68 a few days ago AND NOW I'M AT 70 :) NOT TO MENTION I GOT LIKE 4 NEW PIMPLES OVERNIGHT i am never eating sugar again!
actually i'm never eating AGAIN (not for three days)
apparently right after i left (my dad was being annoying and kept calling me and messaging me asking me what the point of a phone is if i don't answer it and like? bitch i'm sorry i'm not answering my phone because i can't hear u while i'm at a party? but i shouldn't hold it against them because they were indeed waiting for me abnd i need to stop being an ungrateful little brat) i got nominated for some best dressed thing which was like ouuu but i dodged a bullet as my friend said because if i was there i would have had to "model" ? for a camera and with how BLOATED i was after eating, there would have been NO fucking way
so i've come to the realization lately that everything is tied to a lack of control. lack of control over ur appearance = surface level external insecurities, lack of control over ur situation = anger / what the fuck ever, lack of control over life = overthinking to try and combat it, and so fucking on. but what does it matter if i realize these things if i'm still a bitch? :)
i been playing a lot of visual novels lately.did i mention how good slow damage is? well, yeah! takutowa is kind of hot and that first fraise chapter's euphoria was soooooo ....
last words: been fighting against my inner consumer today. very shameful. i rlly want propolis toner plus this one japanese moisturizer (don't even remember the name, see?), sheglam's twilight collection (FUCK OFF), truthear pures (this one valid), some makeup that i will sort of need for prom so valid, VISUAL NOVELS because i got some really good ones on my list, annnnnd of course as always an iPhone because the consumerist in me thinks it would solve all my problems :) but if it makes me feel more secure in my own skin then wouldn't it, actually? nevermind. i forgot. you can't modify your external to fit your internal framework yadda yadda I KNOW BUT I WISH I COULD
(no subject)
February 16, 2026⠀⠀ 12:53
This is a shape. For all I know, there is a multitude of forms surrounding me, none of which bare any significant importance. There is no importance to be found in the world of forms. It drowns you in its haze and robs you of any individuality you may have previously possessed. Pull yourself from the trenches before it is too late. Who you are and the essence of your being is slowly being stolen into the common identity, and before long, you will be a distinct composition of the external surrounding you. The water will be muddy and in its reflection will you find only a glimpse of the eight billion you surround yourself with. Nowhere will be the you that perceives.
(no subject)
January 15, 2026⠀⠀ 16:59
i hate living in this country man people just fucking stare all the time like they've never seen anyone like me! walked past the same adult man i've seen multiple times before and he's staring at me althoughout! i wasn't even with my dad or anything, he just fucking stares! i stared at him back! god i hate living here! and when i say that to my mom she tells me to pipe down because i've "never lived" in any other country so i can't know that ... first off... i have... and second, when the reason i hate living here is because it's homogeneous, then damn right am i allowed to assume it would be different in a country that isn't! you're just saying that because i'm white girl
perfumery!
January 10, 2026⠀⠀ 02:04
just finished an online perfumery course :) world here i come
(no subject)
January 06, 2026⠀⠀ 23:49
i love my parents and i cannot believe it has taken me this long to truly do so. but i don't know if i even really do. i probably don't even really love anyone . i am like a current and it just so happens that there are people swimming in my body of water! they fill me and i absorb the fun that they have with their waves and splashes but when they dry off and leave i can hardly remember their faces
i want to be there for my parents more than i have before and i don't know what changed. i am still solitary but now i have become a roommate. they are not as 
as i have always believed them to be and now i feel the pressure of adulthood more than ever. i am not rich, we are not rich, we will never be rich, and no matter how much we dream it, we will never be . i wish i could go back to summer's late nights and binge watching tv shows. i wish i could watch with my dad again for the first time. i had shy red hair, head in the clouds, and heaven in my stomach! but everything has changed! it is not red anymore and it will hardly even be there give or take a few months! my head is not in the clouds but it is on an entirely different plane and i can't eat all that yummy food anymore! or else my hair will continue to fall! my parents are not but i am not either! i will meet my grave earlier than they!
in my head lately
(no subject)
January 06, 2026⠀⠀ 23:28
the slightest strain in character and suddenly i am ten years old
i have not truly moved out of my apartment and it feels as if the flies are still buzzing against my ear
it seriously smells like there is something rotting here but i cannot tell from where it is coming from
the room is never clean enough and i do not like my decor!
a clock is ticking from somewhere inside my home, that much i am certain
(no subject)
January 04, 2026⠀⠀ 15:11
they will be mine... for cheap...
(no subject)
December 31, 2025⠀⠀ 15:53
i was born in the right generation! i love ao3! and i love this fic!!!! i fucking looooove fantasy aus and when i worry that i will not find another good enough to top this fic i remember the 61 thousand (and counting) works under this pairing tag on ao3 and i die a little inside. im such a loser like actually but i want to read ao3 forever and i don't know if this is the enneagram 5 in me( it probably isn't) but i loooove the concept of there being a million (billion - trillion, even) works of fiction out there in the world (whether or not fanfiction!) and the loooong lifetime that i will hopefully have to be able to absorb it all . i have been reading more fanfiction lately than not i will admit but even fanfiction fills me with wonder. imagine saying this much about ao3 i know! but it's true! even if not fanfiction, fiction and even nonfiction as a whole - and video games too! light novels and all!!!! which, thinking of, i want to finally get around to making one! omg !!!!!! i'm not the beeeest at art so i could commission my favorite artist friends for sprites and cutscenes and whatnot or i could very well just make it myself! probably not because i lack the skill but still! i should save up for that actually! i wanna learn js and code some cute little vn and write this cute little story! i found some of my old sketchbooks (early 2024 old) and rediscovered some of my character concepts from before. i actually neeeeeed that like non-romantic but lowkey kind of like Idk tension-ish pairing that goes on little magical mystery adventures togetehr!!!! i need it so bad and i neewd to write it and code it even badder!!!!!!! 
on another note i'm listening to my friend's new unreleased songs and they sound so good it makes me so happy to see her come this far idk. they;re so cutesy girly jirai witchy vibes and i am obsesseddd with these two in particular i fear i cannot wait for their release. growth truly is the ultimate joy of art! how fun!
family
December 24, 2025⠀⠀ 14:07
i don't like my relatives. i love them but i don't like them! i don't like their selfish self-preservation, nor do i like their instinct to jump to silent criticism, nor the way i feel when i'm with them. my grandmother apparently found some fault in something i said that i barely have recollection of because of it likely being a misunderstanding—that or me swearing when my first meal that day fell to the floor because of my dad's iv line. i don't know because my aunt mentioned it to me but didn't want to fully delve further. i don't get it. why criticize if your goal isn't helping the object of your criticism better themselves? and pardon me if i spare a fuck every now and then, it isn't your dad who's been hospitalized! additionally my aunt randomly brought up my mother's tendency to express anger and something about giving orders - which i didn't really get to ask about - but i know refers to my other aunt's call with her. that fucking bitch. my mother is one person handling her husband's hospitalization, so forgive her if she ends up ranting about the er's disregard for my dad, all while finishing with an earnest thank you for your efforts. we truly cannot do anything without the scrutiny of their gaze - nor say anything - so why would i ever want to be near them? fucking asshats that only pursue """""peace""""" once they're better off than us. it's nice for you to be by our sides when it's easy, but when you have shit to lose, sudfenly you isolate us and don't give a fuck. starting from now i am unsubscribing myself from truly connecting with and caring for these people, beyond how i might care for them as fellow human beings. they SUCK and fuck them and their lack of empathy. have a problem? say it to our faces you pathetic cowardly snakes
A letter to everyone I know, including myself
December 17, 2025⠀⠀ 21:02
i often feel like everyone hates me. this is the ego talking, of course, and most of the time, i am very far off. but what i find funny is that i can barely tell if i want to be right. i shiver and cower away from the people i love, convinced they do not love me, when i give them little reason to. it is easy to be loved and hard to be liked, yet i find myself failing at both because i refuse to let anyone see me as i am. relationships are not a process for me but a goal, and once i finally have people on the outskirts of my life (like i so hoped) i make no efforts to let them in. It's a very selfish habit. In the end, I realize I only want to be liked rather than loved. To be loved would require a level of intimacy that I can't help but shy away from, and to be liked is to be safely admired from a distance. However, lately, I have been failing at both. i can't be normal about people nor the parasocial emotional connections I have formed with them in my head
Reasons
December 16, 2025⠀⠀ 22:58
- I'm not chopped but I'm fat and look fucking ass on camera so even if I might look good in the reflection what's the fucking point
- Bella doesnt talk to me anymore and she has a new boyfriend that I didn't even know existed until they were official
- Everyone always assumes the worst of me
- I crave intimacy but I push it away and put on a face of nonchalance in litereally every situation in my life ever even though I'm not nonchalant and I'm very chalant and I want to be chalant but I cant fucking help it I cant let anything in ever For some resaon and boohoo woe is me
- Im always so fucking sad
- When other peopleare sad it's sad and aww Whats wrong whyd you remove everyone from your twitter but when I'm sad nobndy gives a fuck because I'm not romanticizable and nobdy even be knowing Im sad because why would they see me as a human when I never reveal myself as one thats so funny
- I am a bad daughter
- I cannot go into philosophy
- Im losing hair like crazy Bad diet Bad lifestyle choices Bad everything Im gonna be bald by prom
- I probably wont have my prom partner anymore because he has a girl he likes which is okay get your girl but Nice I'm gonna have to either address it in the future like a man or get paired with some random and be a fucking double because what even is monogamy?
- Im itchy
- Everyone hates me because I dont give them reason to lvoe me
- And when they do love me I rarely express my reciprocation because Im such a stone wall
- IM A STONE WALL
- SOMEONE COME DEMOLISH ME
- I cannot read gay BakuDeku ao3 fanfiction because I can't get in the mindset and because I'm currently watching Killing eve and the romance is barely going anywhere and I can tell it's gonna have a bad ending so Great to know Im wasting my time
- i need to pee
- im reading this in a Russian accent
uhhhhh
November 26, 2025⠀⠀ 17:04
i'm so frustrted rn both because i can't write this mc's personality properly (i've put too much ofmyself into ehr that now she sin't really a character but just a black slate and TWO bedcause I my hadnwriting's so fuckgin ass I would be writing this in my journal but I ordered the wrong fucking notebooks so now they're all in this ugly ass fuckng leqather journa,l and ont op o that my handwriting is so damn UGLY i hate this so much
i am the reason for my own being
November 22, 2025⠀⠀ 21:42
just kind of thinking lately about why i am the way i am
i watch life from the sidelines → spectate what i believe is a sense of normalcy that i have to adhere to in the external → i place that idea of normalcy on a high pedestal → it becomes more a fantasy than a goal → having it as a fantasy in my mind then further seperates me from it being reality → when i am in the external, i both push opportunities away because i have that ideal on a pedestal and because i subconsciously fear rejection and like hiding within the fantasy of the internal → i realize my being and long not to be this way, in turn furthering my yearning for "normalcy" → i watch life from the sidelines → the loop continues
i both love being a sx5 because it's me and sounds nice on paper but i also hate it BECAUSE it's me and i know what it's like to be me . not to bitch and moan or anything tho :( i hate it because every now and then i have something happen to me where i realize how initially close i was to someone / had the opportunity to have been but then my instinct to push people away and stay safe within the internal always kicks in so i end up being avoidant or standoffish and then mull over it hours later asking myself why i am the way i am and then connecting it to my entire being and getting even more depressed!!!! this is why i was so sad during debate because my fucking....groupmate... and i used to be a lot friendlier at some point earlier during the year and were on the road to being friends and then i realize now that somehow that just suddenly vanished? and now i avoid him and am at a loss between like and dislike and now i don't even know if i'm still going with the guy for prom but i don't even want ot ask because if he forgot about it and found some other girl then it's gonne be like i'm the other woman and i'm not, i don't even care (right), but just worrying about it places even more of an importance on it in my mind andit just makes me remember fucking debateee and the loss that it felt despite me getting best speaker like i SHOULD feel happy and full of myself like maybe i deserve to finally feel (special) but now im just walking out of it with both reinforced understanding abt why i am the way i am which then → fuels the way i am and makes me the wya i am forever and goddd i just need to never think again and i am NEVER joining debate again but i can't saythat because debate is a healthy challenge in my life like look how far i've come!!!!!! man forget itttt forget everything just like i will one day . everything is fleeting not because life is short but because i never seize the moment and i live in my head GOD IM SUCH A LOSER wait no im not lol im so smart and deep hahahahah
on other words i miss my friends so much i went to a birthday dinner today and i forgot how much warmth i feel when i'm with them in comparison to other friends :( which i still do love but these friends are just... i don't know they're different man maybe absence really does make the heart grow fonder . anyways i am definitely not passing that college entrance exam because i bombed the numerical test (we had to answer 40 hard-ish items in 30 mins!!!) but i really hope i get in!!!! i think i did ok with the reading one even tho it was also pretty ...hard and time constraining... and the iq one should be pretty ok too so maybe they'll look at my poor math exam grades and think, hey, she's a humanities student anyways! she has high iq so she isn't dumb and we should let her in! they're the only college as far as i know of that has philosophy and i really hope i get to choose between that and communications!!!! instead of just the latter or—worse—psych...
i hate to admit it but i want to be with everyone :( even though i always push people away i always end up yearning for them
11/14/25
November 15, 2025⠀⠀ 15:38
- debate
we had debate finals and i got best finals speaker + top 10 best elim speakers. was expecting the latter but was not expecting the former at all :) but as far as the actual finals debate went; it was ass, and only because the audio management was so bad. on stage, we were right next to two different speakers and one was delayed while the other wasn't. so it was really echoey. which was apparently already pretty bad for the singers and performers, but is obviously even fucking worse for debaters 
we could BARELY understand our opponents speak so we could barely provide rebuttals + even more so during interpol because we couldn't understand each other either lmfao byeeee how was i supposed to call out fallacies or deny questions when i was already panicking trying to understand what he was saying in the first place but ok i did as well as i could have anyways...
it was just funny because as soon as the first speaker of the affirmative started speaking (i was opposition) the other team and ours started looking at each other in confusion and understanding that Yeah we will not be understanding each other. we had to LOCK INNNNN to get the grasp of what we were saying which i personally do not have the capacity to do bc of a lack of experience so HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA it was so funny though because at the end when we crossed houses me and liam shook hands and he went Sorry i couldn't understand you and i went yea me neither
all my friends took pics of each other on stage and were sending it to the gc and congratulating each other for placing and they didn't really do it as much for me so i went damn yea i know i'm not really the kind of person people get super proud and personal over whatever! and felt kinda down and deleted everything while i was at it . but then in paradise gc i see a bunch of pictures and even a full debate vid from lois when i'm not even that close with her so i thought oh maybe people do care enough to at least take pictures of me and stuff as if i'm actually someone and that made me feel a bit better. overall though i'm just so disconnected and avoidant of connections with people despite being a person who craves for them so that sucks esp bc its my subconscious instinct to push people away #lol #sx5
- college
i heard entrance exams were really easy and i decided i will probably just double major in BPhil and BA (i think that's what it's called but i just know it's in communications)
i wish we still went to school for an education and not what job it would bring
im such a loserrr
October 24, 2025⠀⠀ 21:45
i'm not calling myself a loser for being however i am i'm calling myself a loser for even being inclined to think so
no actually i am totally a loser i live in my head
it is times like this where i should reread that one creative nonfiction i wrote
and the two words "i wrote" just reminds me of that fucking script and being underestimated enough not to even get to touch but but i guess overestimated in other aspects of talents because now i'm dealing with things that i don't want to and are not me. sure, i can do it, because no one else will and because what i am good at ties with it, but that doesn't mean i'm GOOD at it. i don't like doing it. but i'm going to have to. and god, even thinking about it has my heart racing and i feel like i'm gonna die and reading the letters pop up as i type this and visualizing every word makes me think less about it but when i think less about it it makes me think about why i want to think less about it and now i'm thinking about him and how bad prom will be for me just like last year because once again this all just really ties in to me being such a loser becauase everything exists in my head and has been existing in my head since the dawn of time!!!! and these exclamation marks remind me of that one fanfiction i read where they were across the world and communicating and one of them used a ton of exclamation marks sand the mention of fanfiction just reminds me of fucking venting and god everything i said on wednesday will never happen again . i will never allow myse;f to intrude on my own feeling slike that . sharing it just because i want validation and to hear my own voice and because i know deep down that crying will finally get me the total care that i seek . pathetic. i will get it nowhere and noelsewhere than when i am crying and even then probably not because even when i am crying i keep everything to myself because i know that i wouldn't get attention otherwise and it's just this unending cycle because it's this ,like, i forgot the word. self-fulfilling prophecy. i heard that term a lot in BCS. i miss better call saul. i miss saul and everything and the summer nights watching it till early in the morning (like 4, 5) with my parents because they were as into it as i was . and also getting them into brba because that was just another extended week of late night watch parties. fun. but also maybe why i'm losing a lot of hair now? should look into the aspect of sleep with telogen effluvium. if i even have that. been showering everyday lately (lately being, like, the past three days) and i have been losing much less hair. please, god, i don't wanna be bald for prom. fuck, there goes that word again. prom.it's like a slur. i hate prom. well, no, not prom . just myself. i hate myself and everything in the universe will have to pay the price for it before i admit that i am a very insecure being. i wonfer what ill wear. i wonder how much i'll lose by then, both weight and hair, one preferable the other not so much/ . and what i wonder more of is how much i'll lead myself on once more just ebcause of forced proximity. maybe i like forced proximity in my life a little too much because that is the only way i subconsciously believe anyone could ever love me. lol./ it's definitely true . not because i think i'm unloveable or anything i just think i'm a very hard-to-get-to-know person, kind of like a hard shell. like a cold, hard shell. like a cold, hard, chocolate shell. just like... ferrero. or something i forgot the name rochet. rocher. roche,. i don't think. i meant to say i don't know. anyways, i keep hearing sounds from within the house. prob withni my head tho. just like... haha .lol. just like everything in my life lol. EVERYTHING'S ALL IN MY HEAD I DON'T ACTUALLY EXPERIENCE LIFE ON THE MAGNITUDE THAT I STUBBORNLY AND WORST OF ALL, SUBCONSCIOUSLY BELIEVE I DO BECAUSE IT'S JUST ALL IN MY HEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but it's ok. i've been to and fro places all throughout my life. emotional impermanence and all that. like my dad brought up. makes sense that i'd create these standards in my head because it's near impossible to live up to them IRL, not when i'm 1. such a cold, hard, chocolate shell and 2. moving from place to place. never enough time, not really. first, i was in the womb, then roughly discharged into the sad external . then i grew up in cali, then moved to washington, and then, oh, now i'm in the philippines. i go to one school then have to stop during quarantine, then move to a new one, then move after that once again. it doesn't sound cool writing it down. sounds like i'm trynna string togeehter a shit ton of puzzle pieces that just don't really matter. the kinda thing you tell someone to shut teh fuck up over because they're tryna be the victim and psychoa analyze themselvse , lol. i should shut the fuck up. oh that aligned! how fun! i wanna read ao3, oh wait, no i don't, because it's either the fun porn is too disgusting for me to read for long (and because some characters make people pop up in my head and i don't like that. im not a creep, even if that guy might look at me like i am. just because he has a good face and because we made eye contact a couple times which WASN'T EVEN MY FAULT when he kept looking in my direction at the back of the class during first period. who isn't going to end up making eye contact with that? exactly. and i take out my cam and film what i think is going to be a vid recording because i don't wanna miss it just like i've missed everything else in my life, and he looks behind at me like i'm recoeidng him. fuck off. but what pisses me off more is that the thumbnail had him mainly in it because he was. right in front of me? which HE came right in front of me before i did by the way so it really is not personal and not intentoinal in the slightest. he has a godo face though. and he's kind of body tea. man i hate how i realize this. my friend likes him but i know he's just this.... player. also acts like he's above everyone's league but he's fine so i get it—no, what the fuck kkinda shallow shit am i saying it does NOT make him above anyone just because he's got a nice face aaaaaaaand my laptop died as i was typing. train of thought lost and now i have to, oh nevermind, forget that. thinking about this guy reminds me of this other guy in my other class and when i think about how i am undeniably and effortlessly attracted to guys both above? my league and not even close to me at all [when i do like guys or think they're cute i genuinely become so cold and even sometimes an asshole to them it's just plain to see really. defense mechanism?] and i know i should be above the dumb, fruitless, and meaningless love and—well. not really love, but attraction, at least— when i keep criticizing it, but what pains me more than knowing that that ultimate one-on-one connection will likely not exist outside of romance is knowing that i completely understand why [even though i do not agree with it!] and can sometimes even succumb to it. well, anyways...) i was talking about ao3 wasn't i? yeah, i wanna read a slowburn. i miss the way you used to do. not... as a sentence, but as a title. i miss that fic so bad. actually no i don't what i do miss is def deadication. i need a highschool au or like jst canon compliant TEEN . i need a teen fic. i need something that is relatable but! oh yeah! if i read something relatable i'l,l just get fucking depressed because all this romance and whatever the hell symbiotic soulmate-ish spiritual bond will never happen to me and.... this mitski song feels kinda relatable rn in a way of appreciating the lyircs and not in a Hey I'm a victim way! man, i really hate those people. i mean, the venting, sure, emos and all, but i fucking hate victims. the people who think they are always. because i mean i could def ssee myself as a victim if i wanted to (well araen't we all victim to our own circumstance and way of life?) but i don't because i grew past it . but other people will ghost you(AHEM) when you do nice things like buy them giftcards for them even during a bad breakdown and headache and fight with your mom, and then bring your waterbottle home and fill it with water and ice the morning after because i know you'll be drowning in heat and because, hey, maybe ia ctually do care for my friends. but instead you play some dumb fucking game idfk what discord means by "playing editor" and leave me on read and probably even play roblox at some point earlier in the day idfk. but i don't care. people are troubled but that doesn't mean i have to be too. anyways my parents r probably home now i definitely hear noises NOW har har. if not them then i'll prob jsut die. i got fried chicken strips or whatever they are i just know they're from the korean store (i hope my dad got the order right) but fuck i shouldn't even be eating this shityt food. cooked in shitty oil./ whatever. self note. be healthier WHICH I ACTUALLY AM!!!! SO OK!!!! BYE!!!!
dependence
October 14,2025⠀⠀ 20:11
everyone has someone special to them that reciprocates that speciality and i realize i am jealous of it. romance specifically? sure, but only because society has made it so. having the "one and only" as a platonic partner is no longer the ideal and has perhaps never truly existed in the first place, not when the ego is involved in relationships. even friends move on with their lives and make no effort to stay connected while hyper focusing on their new potential lover. if i measure everything i've ever had to that standard, then i never have truly experienced it, even if only for a time. romance will always reign supreme both because it is within ourselves to have it so and because society has it so, and it is either i live life in jealousy from the sidelines or succumb to the very thing i hate
digital nostalgia
October 10, 2025⠀⠀ 00:11
i really miss the 'good old days'. except they weren't really good days for me, but i think that's what makes it feel so magical. feeling totally alone and shut out from the external, no dad, and barely any access to the internet; only to look things up and if my mom felt like it. and then she gave me that 1 frame-per-sometimes samsung that barely ran anything other than wattpad and spotify. i miss those days
and i'm not so sure why i miss those days either. could be because i was depressed, could be because i had digital inexperience, or could be because everything felt slower. i think i took more time to notice things. three specific instances that shape this nostalgia are one; where i walked outside my (temporary and unfamiliar) tutor place after dark; the other where i laid on my parents' bed drawing something before heading to the mall with the lights dimmed; and the last where i'd hide away in my mom's car during lunch reading wattpad because my friends had alienated me
a lot of it was shaped around my lack of constant connection to the world. my sms apps barely operated, so i never knew what was happening when it was. i didn't have any mobile data either, which meant no connection to the internet, but even when i did, i didn't have tiktok or instagram or anything that kept me up to date with things. and, sure, as an eleven year old, that's fine, but as an eighteen year old? would being out of the loop as an adult be something i *want* to do? i doubt it
which brings me to another point. social media has changed everything. algorithms are so run with different updates and thoughts that centering my days around it, albeit subconsciously, takes away from the natural order of things. over the summer, i would like to delete all my social media and return to those 'good old days'. i want to notice things again and feel things as they are there.
another reason why i feel nostalgic over my depression is likely because it was the last time i ever felt such feelings raw and in ultimate. i did not have any friends to talk to, nor did i have any distractions to take away from how horrible i felt. all i had was me. no books, no friends, no internet, no anything. just me. and i miss that, but i don't. i wouldn't trade the system i have now for the system i had then, but i fantasize about going off-grid far often than not.
i want to detach myself from the external. i want to go off-grid and find another magical side to life and live on this other plane far removed from it all. this makes me think of the buddhist philosophy of wanting nothing and everything wanting you. i wonder how true that would be
visual novel
September 08, 2025⠀⠀ 19:15
i stayed home from school today and got to try this vn i saw on tiktok last night and it was actually so good i am itching to make my own! i can write decently, i know a bit of coding and can learn, and i can kind of draw but all i really need are like a few sprites and maybe one or two cutscenes if i'm feeling it + of course the logo/poster. hey i can actually do this and totally should within the time frame of ... whenever. sem break maybe :))
i was already planning on making one with some friends last year but i don't think that's really feasible plus experience on all three grounds (writing, coding, art) can be pretty beneficial lol. cheers!
(no subject)
August 5, 2025⠀⠀ 22:14
i sincerely cannot wait to graduate, leave here, and experience more. being around humans for too long dumbs you down and makes you more shallow than you are without them. i find myself losing myself in the world far too often and this would not happen if i did not leave my room. i would be alone with my thoughts, and there it would cultivate. or, no, engaging in the external is necessary to an extent as well, of course. if that were the case, i sincerely, from the bottom of my heart, hope i can get out of this place and reach a level of experience and normalcy to the point of not caring about such shallow matters and not allowing myself to be affected by such. as much as i want to hold onto the present, i won't learn in the present as much as i will if i leave it behind. i want to have gone through so much that i am unphasable, a gust of wind passing by that makes no stops or detours, nor changes in intensity. i cannot wait to be my own person and gain my own wisdom. i cannot wait to stop caring about trivial matters, because even if i may want to, i cannot, because it is all i've ever known. growing up and having the emotional immaturity but intellectual maturity is horrible because why do i find myself worrying about such trivial matters when i know better than to? this is literally just torture, except the fact that i am too apathetic to allow it to affect me that much. i please, please, please want to get out of here. i want to experience so many different things. not even for the sake of experiencing, but for the sake of growth. i cannot stand being the same person as i always have been
romance
July 15, 2025⠀⠀ 15:13
sometimes i believe we have to ask ourselves whether we want something or want to *have* that something
i get so obsessed with the idea of a boyfriend but i realized lately that what i am obsessed with is the idea of being "worthy" enough to have one, or of being able to "achieve" that sense of normalcy (the normalcy that i've always watched from the sidelines)
i still do long for a strong union with another but nowhere is my sense of identity as dependent on the lack of a love life like it was before. some guy i *barely* knew two years ago reached out to me over the summer hitting on me and when i thought about it, he was pretty much my type, from his appearance to the similarities in interests. but the idea of having to commit myself and my time and energy and resources felt too invasive, and i finally realized that my yearning for romance came, yes, from a longing for union, but mainly for validation
and now i am free
(no subject)
May 13, 2025⠀⠀ 23:10
solitude or just loneliness?
enneagram
May 10, 2025⠀⠀ 22:56
the fun-but-also-not-so-fun thing about maturing is still experiencing all the feelings but being intelligent enough to not identify with them
i can't just hate everyone and self-isolate for the love of the game anymore because now i am armed with the awareness of where that urge comes from (feeling misunderstood, misrepresented, and not special) aligns with my e4
it aligns with my e4 so much in fact that i felt like tweeting "feeling very e4 rn" and imagined a friend replying to it going omg real or omg same or something along those lines and my first visceral reaction was STFU. and then i realized wait that's just me wanting to be different and special and esoteric holy fuck
(no subject)
April 29, 2025⠀⠀ 20:50
i hate when a guy is on my mind so often because nothing ever happens im not interesting enough im not pretty enough but wait i AM pretty enough and apparently i am very pretty so maybe that makes up for the uninteresting? and well, i AM interesting but maybe now that i know im pretty ill be able to be so?
(no subject)
April 21, 2025⠀⠀ 20:41
what's greater than feeling like everyone hates you is having the useless realization that you aren't as special to other people as they are to you
people talk about themselves on and on and they're so special, and people are interested, and everything revolves around them both because they've made that happen and because it was to happen
it's the same insecurity every time and it's always because i don't feel as special as i feel like i should be
maybe if i lost weight itd help (which is a really easy escape) but i know deep down that it has nothing to do with my appearance, hell, i'm beautiful, but it has everything to do with me and who i am as a person. i am not someone that is special
lon
April 10, 2025⠀⠀ 20:03
my couple friends are kissing each other and loving each other and that's so fun and hearing about it and being aware of it happening is such a fun thing to be considering the fact that pretty much everyone around me has been in some kind of romantic endeavor, BUT me
the only kind of romance i have ever experienced is infatuation, obsession, limerence, and a deep sense of insecurity, which if you put that all together they're basically the same
i guess it's fomo. that's probably the easiest way to put what i'm feeling into words. but i *know* i'm pretty, i *know* i can be attractive, but i *also* know the true reason of why i'm having this. and it doesn't just stop at romance, because it applies to so many other aspects of my life too.
i'm too closed off. it's hard for me to exist in a world around me, in a society, especially, and to be present in the moment, even when i am. because nothing ever feels like it'll be enough.
i am not a casual person and while i may be able to talk to people, i cannot communicate. i'm just there. not even necessarily in an irrelevant way (but maybe) but i. the sense of not truly existing within given spaces.
i think 10th and 9th grade took something from me or maybe it's just quarantine as a whole but even thinking about the fact my friends are all lovey Dovey with each other, having their own secret little lives they share with just each other, and having those maybe endearing but mostly tooth rotting PDA moments all the time, doesn't really feel like.. Good per se. It's really just idk it gives me the ick
(no subject)
April 9, 2025⠀⠀ 23:19
i actually love my pracres group so much we met up today and it was productive yes but fun too
and right now we're helping each other in stats... such a goated group
(no subject)
April 9, 2025⠀⠀ 05:11
me when i remember i am loved more than i assume, have grown and changed as a person, am out of my past predicaments, and exist in a world around me
i love my friends
April 1, 2025⠀⠀ 20:43
i love my friends so much after i talk to them suddenly everything is ok they GET ME I LOVE THEM
debate
March 29, 2025⠀⠀ 20:07
i never got to update about what happened with being placed on the tentative debate list
i, somehow, got finalized for debate and was the only 11th grader on the entire roster (hold your applause) had the biggest crashout during elims but we won regardless
did even better during the finals on stage and gained aura points and yet again, WE WON!!!!!!!
(no subject)
March 29, 2025⠀⠀ 20:00
"i wanna write"
- opens docs
- closes docs
"i wanna code"
- opens brackets
- closes brackets
"i wanna read"
- starts reading
- stops reading
"fuck reading what i wanna do is WRITE"
- opens docs
- closes docs
"ok maybe not writing as in a story but writing as in code"
- opens brackets
- closes brackets
"i just wanna write"
- opens docs
- closes docs
"hey what was that fic i heard about on tiktok again"
- opens tiktok
- forgets about what i opened the app for and starts scrolling
- closes the app after an hour
repeats this cycle 4 times
and it's still a mystery to me why the day goes by so quickly
the truth
March 3, 2025⠀⠀ 19:33
something that life has taught me is that it IS your fault. sociopsychologically, 99% of the time, whatever crisis you find yourself going through is indeed, your fault. and this is a GOOD thing
nobody is going to save you, nobody cares, and salvation is up to you and only you. no one is going to rescue you from the tide because, number one, you don't even have your hand out in the first place, and number two, they'd rather just sail past it. you have to swim yourself to the motherfucking shore and rescue YOURSELF. nobody gives a fuck unless you give them a particular reason to, and it's a hopeful truth because your circumstances will only truly change through YOU
so get the fuck off your miserable ass boy
stats
February 5, 2025⠀⠀ 20:34
i had a quiz in stats and absolutely flunked ittt got i think out of 30 a 9
but based on my formula
was a good thing and needed to have happened because if i didn't fail, i wouldn't have gotten sent to remedial, where the remedial teacher discussed the topic SO MUCH clearer and better than my actual teacher
so yes i failed a quiz, got extremely low
but if i didn't fail, i wouldn't have the chance to get actual good grades in the future
so really... traded one quiz for three or more... which is a win. this is actually a win
ugly
January 26, 2025⠀⠀ 17:12
&honey products coming in the mail tomorrow..
savvy and my kinbor came in the mail the other day..
friend gave me access to his steam account so now i can play p5..
got back into r1999 and got an-an lee on the same day
got my dose of delight yesterday, the day before, and today (i speak as if it's a drug)
skin has been getting even clearer
and finally found a makeup routine that suits me <3
now if only i could get rid of the ugliness inside of me too
that'd be nice
a good day
January 17, 2025⠀⠀ 18:43
gave a presentation on sociology in class today :) my class loved it and it sparked a great discussion afterwards and everyone had fun and learned!
i think the reason i like public speaking so much is because people have to listen to me and i can talk for minutes on end as if i'm the most interesting person in the world in that minute
after that i got tentatively added into the debate list without asking which is very flattering but i know that during the actual debate in march, should i decide to sign myself onto that looming doom, i will HATE myself for having been too flattered to say no
i WOULD be good at debate but it is one of the worst things for my heart truly and if i had to do it on stage too i might pass away. god knows the trauma i have from going against gab
spent time with my friends... took a quiz and surprisingly didn't do too bad... came out on top despite the odds (bad partner) against me... got good lunch for free from nicole... AND it's a friday? first good day of 2025
fomo
January 12, 2025⠀⠀ 01:28
i get the worst and dumbest fomo ever!!!
i don't get fomo when i see my friends hanging out without me or when i get left out on inside jokes but i DO get fomo when i see large groups of people i deem interesting hanging out together
when i'm barely even associated with them at all?!
i saw a story of a schoolmate's huge birthday party with people i'm barely connected with and THAT gave me fomo over missing out on interactions with my friends
but when i think about it maybe those give me fomo too
i just don't want to go outside ever not because of JOMO but because of coping mechanism of FOMO
perception
January 10, 2025⠀⠀ 01:28
THIS is how i should be perceived:
emotionally intellegent
socially awkward but in an attractive way
BUT good at public speaking
bit of a natural hoarse voice but still feminine
feminine but in a modest dark colored way
esoteric
good music
deep not surface level and i have my own problems and BACKSTORY
pretty but not in a mainstream way but still mainstreamly appreciable
dark hair bangs long hair maybe layers
maybe lazy but not dumb
wise
sleepy
accountable